Anxiety is not all I'm worried about

Today at work I had this huge epiphany related to my anxiety so I thought I will quickly jump in on my break and share it with you! Excuse if it's unclear or with mistakes but when I keep my thoughts for later I will never share it because of lack if time or because I already forgot my message, so here it is - I hope you will find it useful!

I do struggle with anxiety my whole life and only found out the name for it around 5 years ago, since then I am a very close observer and investigator of the causes of anxiety I am feeling, the roots, my feelings, behaviours and how it all is changing when I am implying all the tools l i can to make it all better, to simply be able to cope in everyday life.

Sometimes when one anxious thing or thought will pile onto another i can easily be super active even when the things no longer effects me - that's why one day can be amazing and I am super confident with the mindset - I can face anything and other times even the smallest thing can make me going in my head and look for things that can be added to my anxious pile. It's like a jar which cannot hold more water and any additional drop can make it split.

Well... That was definitely me today so when I came to work and someone asked me something my brain jumped into anxiety hyper active body, it's when I am moving too fast, talking too fast, not really listening, wanting to escape- trying to do everything without calming down so it's just a big big mess.

But this time I noticed it and talked myself out of this state, I took a minute and I was fine - but then another request came my way and instead of accepting anxious state, feel it all and use my tools, I suppressed it completely because I WAS AFRAID that someone will notice that I am anxious...

My first thought to myself was "why are you anxious about, you did it thousand times before, you are just being silly right now" thanks brain but that's not helpful... I would never say those words to my son or anyone else who is anxious why I am telling myself this... Maybe it's not even mine.

It was not about anxiety it self but a fear that people will see my anxiety, because by now I am able to tolerate the discomfort it brings... Calm myself down and use my good thoughts. I had this huge epiphany that I often am scared of crowded places thinking they will see it and think I am weird, tell me to stop doing it or tell me to "man up", it made me realise that this was the exact message I got from adults as a anxious child "oh just stop it, why you are acting this way it's only bus, oh for god sake why you are always scared" I get it, anxiety is contagious - no one likes to be around this energy so they were trying to make me brave and just shut it off, as in my case it was literally with the smallest things like going to the bus or going on roller-coaster when all other kids loved it.

Those messages led me to believing, that the only way to stay out of interest and anger of other people is to hide my feelings and fears, play it cool, all the time - but by doing that I kept it all inside for so many years, suppressed, without knowing what it actually is - but according to people I was surrounded by, it was not okey to feel it.

When I finally am aware of it today, I can take care of that child inside me. When I feel this way, I say what I would say to my son "it's okey to feel this way, you are safe, I can help you with anything, we can try few times"

For me it's revolutionary discovery as it might be a root of my social anxiety - i was simply afraid that I will be seen as weird, sweating over ordering a dinner in the restaurant - when others don't have any issue with that. I can work with it now, I can heal it.

This post made me really emotional and wanting to hug this child.

I wanted to share as you might feel this way too, with anxiety, with panic attacks, with depression - you want to fit in, you don't want attention. You want peace.

It's OK to feel it all ❤️ sending hugs.

Greta.