When all of the fears comes true and first steps into the purpose.

Excuse the long read but I think it's important to share all of the experience with others, as I've noticed that no one is talking about failure, bad days, bad first times - and we all have them, we see successful entrepreneurs, easy life's but never the struggle and it feels very lonely! I absolutely get it as the event I am about to write about was 4 months ago and I was still unsure if I should share it, but now I came to the realisation that what inspires me the most are people who share it all, good bad, ugly and rainbows!

Okey let's dive in!

After my first ever mindful art session in my community hub, I was asked by the lady that attended if I can lead 2 workshop sessions for nurses wellbeing day out, for 20 people in the room both times - very sceptical if I can actually can do it (because of social anxiety that I had for my whole life and lack of experience) I said yes, back them probably as I just was sure it won't happen anyway (yep, anxious mind always choose denial first). The event meant to happen in January but in the end it was moved to April because of the strike- I actually believe that it happened because I was simply not ready yet to take this opportunity.

Fast approaching April left me thinking about the event and preparing, but feeling deep inside that I may not be able to show up - I was terrified.

Month before I actually booked up some visits with my therapist to help me to get through this discomfort and actually show up, it was really important for me but at the same time I just wanted to call and say I can't do it. The main point that stood up for me with conversation with her was that, my biggest fear when it comes to public speaking comes from school when I couldn't perform well and was laughed at but also the fear of people seeing that I am anxious - as previous experience showed that if I act weird I get attention, and I didn't like that.

Prior to the event and working through my fears, I did loads of meditations, energy cleaning with Oliver Nino, unlocking my throat chakra, chanting, spending loads of time in nature doing art, as that way I am keeping my mind and intentions clear, my nervous system regulated and overall a beautiful way to get to know myself more.

The day came around really quickly and surprisingly I was okey... I packed my bags and left full of positive energy. My main mindset was - "whatever will happen it's a success because I showed up and anxiety didn't beaten me up again"

(the day!!)

On that workshop ALL of my fears came true and I want to explain what I've learned from this whole experience and how I changed my mindset on what Mindful art for others may actually be, and some of the situations before would made me panic and leave the room or try people please it....Not this time!

I had 2 groups for hour each - 20 people per group! My first ever event which was so big!

When I think Wellbeing day out for nurses in my head I imagined 20 people who will walk to the room and keep the vibe of a yoga lesson, no talking just following the instructions - that wasn't the case here...

- I literally had to put my voice up to start each sentence or ring the singing bowl really loud as they would not stop talking. (which was first thing that old me would freak out about as I was never an assertive type...)

-One person was using the phone for the whole session, not even doing what I've said.

-A group at one table was laughing when I did the meditation.

-One person literally left the room when I mentioned we will do meditation intro.

-One person got angry because I choose each person 3 colours to draw with (which was meant to show, to appreciate the things in front of us and how can we still use what we really don't want and turn it into awesome piece - just like life)

-One person didn't like the meditative music in the background.

-One person was angry because of singing bowl and that my workshop is stressful when I wanted to finish in the end of our hour together.

-As they left, some of them thrown angrily their work into the bin.

And I survived, not only that - It was the best life lesson that I ever had.

What this is teaching me:

-Not everyone has to like my workshop or more - no everyone has to like me. This is a biggie as whole my life I was told that more people like me, better - even if it means I have to act differently.

-Not everyone is ready to be vulnerable in front of their work colleagues or strangers as mindful art many times takes us to places where we don't want to be emotionally.

-Being in silence is hard for most of us! Specially when we never take time to be just with ourselves - Old me would feel disrespected that others acted that way but to be fair they had every right to act as they felt at that given moment, understanding that everyone have some sort of trauma and experience, I see the lady that left with compassion and not taking it personally. Specially that in the beginning of the workshop I said - and I always repeat that on my every session with others - "If you don't feel comfortable with anything that we are doing here please listen to yourself and don't do it, stop, do something else or leave" and this gives me so much freedom and joy when people actually are not following what I told them to, but listen to their own intuition - the part I want to teach others every time, the part I had to remind myself to do as I would stay, with panic attack just not to upset the host (also a part of my programming)

-Art making as an adult is really hard anyway, as we all have some sort of little T trauma around creating, mostly from school - the need of being good at it, have colours we want, time we want.

-In mindful art, the challenge is that no one is checking on the piece that we have created or praise it, it might sound silly but most people will view that as they had wasted time, creating something that no one will mark (again, school) so doing an activity and leaving the room without those praises may be extra hard. Although in the end I said how proud I am for them to stay the whole hour with discomfort and create in a way that they were never shown before - but sometimes my words won't do the trick when inner critique is loud and self-love is low.

-Let people to feel what they feel without the need of changing it! Honestly as a people pleaser this was the biggest lesson of them all, I don't have to tell you how awesome my sessions are, I know it myself - if its different for you, that's OK! Like in life, we are an adults and responsible for our own emotions!

Old me would label that even as a failure as not EVERYBODY liked it, old me would give up entirely thinking its I am just not good for it, old me would beat myself up for choosing wrong activities and music and meditation, old me would never request money from this event thinking I didn't do well.

It wasn't the case this time, I had fun, the greatest lesson of my life, I SHOWED UP and anxiety didn't win so for me this event was just the best and I would do it all over again any given day!

The picture I took by myself after the event because I decided to celebrate those small wins against anxiety, even few months ago I would cancel it- but I didn't so whatever happened I am happy. This is your encouragement to celebrate yourself too!

On the final note! There were people who really enjoyed it too but in my head they were much more quiet that others so here it is, appreciating this message as my main intention was for one person in the room to enjoy it, that's enough :