Short one about not giving up.

As my son is almost 4 years old, more and more he is showing interest in different sports. As he is trying new things I can see that sometimes he cannot pass the frustration of not being good at something.

Recently his dad installed a net in our garden and introduced him to badminton - when my son would just get angry and throw the racket across the garden and sit on the side sad that he can't play like daddy, and i couldn't figure out how to explain to him that sometimes he will miss and sometimes he will shoot this shuttlecock... That's how it is, and simple accepting his feelings and giving him empathy was not working here...

On Sunday when we were in the park eating ice cream on the blanket, there were 3 friends casually playing cricket. The player that was meant to hit the ball, missed it sometimes but, he was not throwing the bat around and giving up - I saw my son watching them so I thought this is my chance!

-Oh look he missed the ball, it must be difficult for him but he's not giving up, hmm interesting - I've said.

-And he is big like daddy - he said

-Exacly, and you know why he is not throwing bat and giving up for missing the ball?

-Why? - he looked at me intrigued.

-Because he knows he can try again, as many times as he wants, and missed ball shouldn't be a reason for not enjoying the game with friends.

The moral of this story is not to hide emotions when we are going through difficult times or a failure, or to supress frustration of being bad at someting new, not at all, but simply to recognise that we can feel those feelings and try again.

Because we know, we can always try again - and while we play we may just have fun, no matter the results.

My son still gets frustrated from time to time, that's okey - but every time I remind him of the players in the park because I was like that too, not wanting to try anything new scared I will suck at it (same with this blog) but now I focus on the good time I have and always picking this bat and trying again, so I want him to know it before I did - 30 years old, tired of my own limitations.

Hope this short post will give you some inspiration and I am wishing you the best rest of the week. 🎉

"Unsubscribed" poem

Unsubscribed

Today is the day

I simply unsubscribed,

I just had to let it go.

It was hard but I unsubscribed:

From a second where my

needs are less

important than yours.

From gossip - they are them, I am me.

From assumptions, nothing is set in stone

- who I am to decide for you.

From doing things to please them,

From self -hate, I am my best friend.

From unnecessary drama - I unsubscribe.

From ego driven life,

to prove something to someone,

my life is up to me.

I also unsubscribe from

any relationship that is not pure,

if it's not light - I simply unsubscribe....

From unspoken words,

what else is left if that is taken away?

From make up and money to tell you who I am

- let my soul to show you the way.

From judgment... He is not welcomed here.

From trying to be better than everyone else,

but always better than I was yesterday.

From being perfect -

that just doesn't exist.

From the culture that runs so fast,

that won't even notice the end

line or why they run.

From life that may looks perfect to YOU-

but kills ME inside, every single day.

From autopilot that runs my life,

from thoughts that are not even mine.

It only takes a second to click

"unsubscribe" in our mind,

to let go off what we are not

and never will be, but it is

an incredibly courageous act.

Will you Unsubscribe?

This poem came to me when I was at home on a Saturday night when my husband went out to see his friends and had that weird feeling of loneliness, going on social media that time is simply not the best idea as you will only see people having fun -all of them, and I had to stay home with my child. I had loads of feelings rushed over my body but then I asked my self... Would you rather be living life of those people? Would you swap with them if you could? The simple answer was no, I would never swap into being out partying than staying with my son at home. Then I asked myself why do I feel this way? The answer was - because everyone always were saying that if you are alone, there must be something wrong with you - I could see clearly that those feeling were created by not even my thoughts, but the thoughts that were programmed in me sine childhood. It was pretty incredible to notice as before when I had those feelings I would numb them out by watching something or eating something sweet (about 5 years back even drinking it out!), everything but not thinking about it! This time I noticed it, wrote down my feelings on the paper, did yoga session with the intention of feeling it all. It worked amazing as after there was a relief.

If you ever feel like this because you have a small kids or other circumstances, please know that social days will come back, doing what we want - whenever we want, it will all come back. Unsubscribe from everything that doesn't serve you anymore right now, don't do things because society expect that from you, don't create a life for others - to show them, to prove them. Do everything just because it feels good for you. And always stop, watch and ask yourself questions before acting upon those feelings.

You are worthy <3

P.S - The poem was also inspired by the mailing list, I had mail coming very often and every time I would not read it but being annoyed by it, I didn't want to unsubscribe because I was sure it will hurt that person (even if I never meet them and it was a business account) but then I realised how much energy it takes out on me every time so then I just make a decision in my head to simply click unsubscribe... And if that's you too, click this button. If you are not reading this email anyway and getting angry every time you get it - trust me, that person would rather you unsubscribe it, and have real interested people behind instead ;)

When all of the fears comes true and first steps into the purpose.

Excuse the long read but I think it's important to share all of the experience with others, as I've noticed that no one is talking about failure, bad days, bad first times - and we all have them, we see successful entrepreneurs, easy life's but never the struggle and it feels very lonely! I absolutely get it as the event I am about to write about was 4 months ago and I was still unsure if I should share it, but now I came to the realisation that what inspires me the most are people who share it all, good bad, ugly and rainbows!

Okey let's dive in!

After my first ever mindful art session in my community hub, I was asked by the lady that attended if I can lead 2 workshop sessions for nurses wellbeing day out, for 20 people in the room both times - very sceptical if I can actually can do it (because of social anxiety that I had for my whole life and lack of experience) I said yes, back them probably as I just was sure it won't happen anyway (yep, anxious mind always choose denial first). The event meant to happen in January but in the end it was moved to April because of the strike- I actually believe that it happened because I was simply not ready yet to take this opportunity.

Fast approaching April left me thinking about the event and preparing, but feeling deep inside that I may not be able to show up - I was terrified.

Month before I actually booked up some visits with my therapist to help me to get through this discomfort and actually show up, it was really important for me but at the same time I just wanted to call and say I can't do it. The main point that stood up for me with conversation with her was that, my biggest fear when it comes to public speaking comes from school when I couldn't perform well and was laughed at but also the fear of people seeing that I am anxious - as previous experience showed that if I act weird I get attention, and I didn't like that.

Prior to the event and working through my fears, I did loads of meditations, energy cleaning with Oliver Nino, unlocking my throat chakra, chanting, spending loads of time in nature doing art, as that way I am keeping my mind and intentions clear, my nervous system regulated and overall a beautiful way to get to know myself more.

The day came around really quickly and surprisingly I was okey... I packed my bags and left full of positive energy. My main mindset was - "whatever will happen it's a success because I showed up and anxiety didn't beaten me up again"

(the day!!)

On that workshop ALL of my fears came true and I want to explain what I've learned from this whole experience and how I changed my mindset on what Mindful art for others may actually be, and some of the situations before would made me panic and leave the room or try people please it....Not this time!

I had 2 groups for hour each - 20 people per group! My first ever event which was so big!

When I think Wellbeing day out for nurses in my head I imagined 20 people who will walk to the room and keep the vibe of a yoga lesson, no talking just following the instructions - that wasn't the case here...

- I literally had to put my voice up to start each sentence or ring the singing bowl really loud as they would not stop talking. (which was first thing that old me would freak out about as I was never an assertive type...)

-One person was using the phone for the whole session, not even doing what I've said.

-A group at one table was laughing when I did the meditation.

-One person literally left the room when I mentioned we will do meditation intro.

-One person got angry because I choose each person 3 colours to draw with (which was meant to show, to appreciate the things in front of us and how can we still use what we really don't want and turn it into awesome piece - just like life)

-One person didn't like the meditative music in the background.

-One person was angry because of singing bowl and that my workshop is stressful when I wanted to finish in the end of our hour together.

-As they left, some of them thrown angrily their work into the bin.

And I survived, not only that - It was the best life lesson that I ever had.

What this is teaching me:

-Not everyone has to like my workshop or more - no everyone has to like me. This is a biggie as whole my life I was told that more people like me, better - even if it means I have to act differently.

-Not everyone is ready to be vulnerable in front of their work colleagues or strangers as mindful art many times takes us to places where we don't want to be emotionally.

-Being in silence is hard for most of us! Specially when we never take time to be just with ourselves - Old me would feel disrespected that others acted that way but to be fair they had every right to act as they felt at that given moment, understanding that everyone have some sort of trauma and experience, I see the lady that left with compassion and not taking it personally. Specially that in the beginning of the workshop I said - and I always repeat that on my every session with others - "If you don't feel comfortable with anything that we are doing here please listen to yourself and don't do it, stop, do something else or leave" and this gives me so much freedom and joy when people actually are not following what I told them to, but listen to their own intuition - the part I want to teach others every time, the part I had to remind myself to do as I would stay, with panic attack just not to upset the host (also a part of my programming)

-Art making as an adult is really hard anyway, as we all have some sort of little T trauma around creating, mostly from school - the need of being good at it, have colours we want, time we want.

-In mindful art, the challenge is that no one is checking on the piece that we have created or praise it, it might sound silly but most people will view that as they had wasted time, creating something that no one will mark (again, school) so doing an activity and leaving the room without those praises may be extra hard. Although in the end I said how proud I am for them to stay the whole hour with discomfort and create in a way that they were never shown before - but sometimes my words won't do the trick when inner critique is loud and self-love is low.

-Let people to feel what they feel without the need of changing it! Honestly as a people pleaser this was the biggest lesson of them all, I don't have to tell you how awesome my sessions are, I know it myself - if its different for you, that's OK! Like in life, we are an adults and responsible for our own emotions!

Old me would label that even as a failure as not EVERYBODY liked it, old me would give up entirely thinking its I am just not good for it, old me would beat myself up for choosing wrong activities and music and meditation, old me would never request money from this event thinking I didn't do well.

It wasn't the case this time, I had fun, the greatest lesson of my life, I SHOWED UP and anxiety didn't win so for me this event was just the best and I would do it all over again any given day!

The picture I took by myself after the event because I decided to celebrate those small wins against anxiety, even few months ago I would cancel it- but I didn't so whatever happened I am happy. This is your encouragement to celebrate yourself too!

On the final note! There were people who really enjoyed it too but in my head they were much more quiet that others so here it is, appreciating this message as my main intention was for one person in the room to enjoy it, that's enough :